The Teenager refused, point blank, to walk round town with me as apparently his mates might see him and then he’d look like a ‘right twat’. As a result, I’m not sure how I am going to get him back to school other than to guest-imate what size he is.
I think, when he appears at school in September with shoes the size of Ronald Mcdonald and trousers halfway up his legs, he will understand what a ‘right twat’ really looks like, but there you go.
Annabelle wanted something called Lelli Kelly school shoes which, as it turned out, could only be bought in John Lewis. I insisted on looking in Shoddy-Shoes-‘R’-Us first but with a stroke of genius, she and her feet went and stood just far enough outside the shop to prevent my being able to try the shoes on her. Since she and her feet obstinately refused to re-enter the shop I was, as they say, buggered.
Annabelle; one, Mum: zero.
His mother was trailing behind desperately explaining why he probably shouldn’t do it whilst simultaneously attempting to replace the shelves and catch shoes as they flew, like missiles, in all directions. It seemed to me that calling him ‘Dah-ling’ and saying things like ‘Oh no’, ‘Oh dear, now look what’s happened’ and ‘Oh Benjamin, please’ wasn’t working but I am proud to say that I did manage to resist the urge to grab the little sod by the scruff of the neck and bellow ‘stop it’ in his ear.
As the whirlwind that was Henry slash Benjamin worked his way around the shop he knocked a pair of Lelli Kelly shoes out of the hands of a medium sized eight year old girl.
Annabelle whipped around, gave him her very best Paddington Bear firm stare, snatched the shoes out of his hands and declared in a high, clear and very loud voice that she thought he was an incredibly rude little boy and that it was time that he learned to use his manners.
Everybody in the shop turned around and silence descended. Henry went very still, stared up at her (clearly weighing up his options of survival if he took her on) but settled on bursting into loud, noisy sobs and running back to his mother.
Sometimes, I love that kid.