Monday 2nd May

So, Osama Bin Laden hasn’t been concealed behind a rock, in the desert somewhere, quaking with terror and rueing the day.

Nope, he’s been Hugh Hefner-ing it up in a $1m mansion complete with wide screen TV’s, pool parties and leopard print, budgie smugglers.

I must confess that I find it a bit suspicious that just two days after The Windsors: Season Two began, giving the UK PLC one of the biggest storylines of the year, that USA Inc. suddenly killed off one of their major returning characters, in a storyline that will no doubt unfold over the coming weeks.

Quick! Someone discover that they’re carrying Prince William’s love-child.

Anyway, in memory of Osama Bin-Hefner and the contribution his storyline has made to sensation seeking media moguls everywhere, here is a memo that was sent to me by Friend-Kate back in 2002.

AL QAIDA

OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN

CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGANISTAN
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organisation)

Hi guys.

We’ve all been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can’t forget to take care of the cave, and frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I’ve done my bit on the cleaning – rota; have you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it’s not often I make a video address. But when I do, I’m trying to scare the shit out of most of the world’s population, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the ‘wassup’ thing. Thanks.

Third – food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote “Ossy” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone.
Consideration – that’s all I’m saying.

Fourth, I’m not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel’s bat and ball games. Please do not chant “Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy,oi, oi, oi” when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth – graffiti. Whoever wrote “OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS” on the group toilet wall – it’s a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam – the old excuse that ‘the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain’ will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots.

 Group Hug.

p.s – I’m sick of having “Osama Bed Linen” scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it’s not funny anymore.

A big shout out to all involved for allowing me to recycle this priceless old gag!

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