Thursday 12th May

Dear Comrades,

Support for the Pot-Noodle-Parenting (PNP) revolution is gaining momentum.

At this embryonic stage in the movement to defeat Yummy-ism, we need to lay down some guidelines on how to proceed safely. We do not want to alert the Cup-Cake-Army (CCA) leaders to the ‘existence of resistance’.

We must all remember that our brothers and sisters in the cause may be isolated and vulnerable, (statistics demonstrate that in any given community, Yummy-ists outnumber PNP members by as many as thirty to one).

Whilst the development of a robust PNP network is our goal, it may be necessary to approach your brothers and sisters cautiously in the first instance.

Beware. Yummy-ism finds its home in the school playground and the CCA will, as a general rule, attempt to recruit new members there. Word of warning though, members of the CCA are getting crafty and have developed sophisticated tactics to maximise on induction numbers by making their approach on the way into or out of the playground.

CCA members will frequently walk ridiculously slowly in front of you under the pretence that their kid is a bit of a div and can’t walk in a straight line without falling over. The derivative of this approach is the can’t-catch-the-kid manoeuvre. In this variation, the CCA member will quietly tell its kid that there is a giant, child-eating, spider behind it so that the terrified child runs into you from behind.  

Don’t be fooled. The CCA are looking to initiate contact.

Members of the CCA will form into ‘gaggles’ near the classroom doors. We are informed they do this with the express intention of gaining the favour of their child’s teachers. Our intelligence suggests that CCA propaganda has led them to believe in the existence of a hidden ‘Smiley-Chart’ system for parents. If you do find yourself inadvertently in the middle of a ‘gaggle, don’t ever mention the words ‘frowny-face’ or ‘naughty step’.

Members of the PNP have died that way. 

Each playground has an official CCA Rep to oversee that the individual ‘gaggles’ don’t get too competitive. Squabbles over whether their children’s names have appeared in the school newsletter are sadly, all too common. The CCA Rep is also responsible for ensuring that members complete their children’s homework on time. Busy periods for CCA Reps are traditionally Easter and Christmas as their targets include the size and intricacy of Easter Bonnet competition entries or anything that involves ‘make-and-do’. 

Rank and file CCA members are encouraged to bring new recruits to the CCA Rep but are not allowed to issue invites without authorisation. If, upon introduction to the CCA Rep, you can demonstrate that no, you don’t work and yes, your husband is employed by Deutshe Bank, you will be tentatively invited to a ‘coffee-morning’ or ‘spa-evening’ or some-such.

Our intelligence runs dry here as none of our members have proceeded much past that point. Demographically, most PNP members are in full time employment or on benefits because their husband cleared off with some tart he met at Wetherspoons quite some time ago. 

Please remember to pass this safety manual to fellow Pot-Noodle-Parents electronically. We would not advise printing the document out for the same reason that we would not expect our members to remember what date the summer term finishes. Habitually, members of the PNP do not excel in matters in which ‘remembering stuff’ is a key component.

Stay safe, arrive at the playground late and avoid eye-contact.

Long live the revolution.

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