Thursday 29th December

So what’s up with North Korea then?

I know that the plot involves the death of a very angry, very wrinkly little character who suffered, as sadly, many dwarves do, from little-man-syndrome.

Furthermore, as far as I can gather, his hulking son whose name I assumed would be something along the lines of Lenny or Benny-Boy or some such, but turned out to be ‘Dim-Sum-Hot-Pot’, has taken over the family business which I think is something to do with the production of Gestapo style costumes with natty red collars that quite honestly, I can’t see catching on.

Itchy I should imagine.

Since NK PLC are obviously bringing us their Eastenders-esque Christmas finale, I think maybe they should have thought about diversifying into Santa outfits. Or elves.

Rows of marching elves would have been much nicer.

Definitely points should be awarded for the snow, which looked much more realistic than it ever does on Albert Square and let’s face it, everyone loves a good funeral whilst they’re munching their turkey but I think, in my humble, that the staging looked a bit fierce and third reichy for my liking.

Were all the guns really necessary? Even Fat-Pat-Butcher wouldn’t be seen dead in ‘Dim-Sum-Hot-Pot’s’ bizarre hair do and the crowds of wailing extras were, frankly, a bit lot on the unbelievable side.

On the whole, I didn’t find it very Christmassy and I think that whilst it’s true that Zainab and Afia did do their fair share of howling outside the B&B this year, they were, to be fair, actually related to the potentially deceased.

The rest of the Eastenders crowd were relatively contained and although they were demonstrably quite concerned, they just busied themselves doing things like “Oooh-ing”, “Aaah-ing” and shouting “No, don’t go in there”.

I think the script writers at NK PLC would benefit from a creative writing course, because if their goal is to beam this rubbish around the globe and expect us to buy into it, they are sadly mistaken.

Still, maybe it’ll turn out that the old dude isn’t really dead and will turn up parachuting into the grounds of Buck Palace with a union jack chute a’la ‘Gustave Graves,’ which I grant you, would be quite entertaining, but for now, I’m going to have to leave NK PLC and their dreams of beating the Christmas Day ratings game to die another day.

I’m not gonna be taking up precious space on my Sky box planner with that crap.

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