This may come as a shock but I think it would be fair to say that I’m a bit of a liability.
I have serious ‘doing what I’m told’ issues, mammoth ‘being where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be there’ problems and a prescription grade aversion to routine and, as we all know, single-parent-dom is not a natural bedfellow of my natural proclivity to ‘Carpe-Diem-it-up-real-nice-baby.
It’s high time I got my shit together and since a goal without a plan is just a wish, I’ve decided to formalise my personal value system into a list of rules which will, henceforth, keep me out of any trouble whatsoever.
No need to thank me.
1) Thou shalt not have any other Gary Barlow before me.
Sorry Jason Statham, maybe in the next life.
2) Thou shalt not worship graven images.
Bad Jason Statham calendar.
Bad Jason Statham calendar.
3) Thou shalt not take the lords name in vain.
Must stay away from obscenities like ‘Oh for God’s sake’ and stick to harmless stuff like ‘Crash into my trolley like that again you hairy son of a bitch and I’ll ram this garlic baguette so far up your arse you’ll be speaking French for a month’.
4) Thou shalt not work on the Sabbath day.
Since I only know the names of the other days, I shall assume that the Sabbath refers to days in the collective sense. This one obviously means don’t work on any of the ‘days.’
5) Thou shalt honour thy parents.
Probably means that I must, in future, refrain from ‘visiting’ with my parents by crashing into their house shouting “Yo, where are all the white bitches at”.
6) Thou shalt not kill.
Clearly refers to The Teenager and the Shrieking-Dwarf.
Well, the sullen, disrespectful parasites are still asking for things and complaining so I’m obviously cooking with gas on this one.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Can’t, I’m not married.
If you’re planning to molest me against a tree somewhere and you know full well that you’re already married and mortgaged, your wife has probably already developed a rule book of her own.
Please refer to that, it supersedes the Single-Mum Rules For Life.
8) Thou shalt not bear false witness.
No more telling your kid to go to the toy aisle in Sainsbury’s where you swear-down you’ll meet it in a minute, then clearing off to the café to read ‘Hello’ magazine whilst ignoring the frantic tannoys asking you to come to Customer Services.
9) Thou shalt not steal.
Admit it; you did know that lipstick was in the bottom of the trolley.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox.
Okay, the slag’s got a better buggy than you, she drives a nicer car, she doesn’t work and her kids are charming, eloquent and studious, but her husband is only human and clearly wants to molest you against a tree.
So don’t worry about it!
See, I’m all over it.