Pimmsely is, according to the rather slick little itinerary that arrived through the door yesterday, organising a ‘Gala Weekend of Events’ to celebrate the length of time that that really old woman has cunningly evaded capture in her round-and-round the castle game of ‘Get-Stuffed-I’m-Not-Giving-It-To-Charles-Crown-Hide-And-Seek.’
Royal aides have been pursuing her for many years now but, alas, just when they think they’ve finally pinned down her location she disappears through a door cunningly disguised as a bookcase, that leads to a tunnel, the other end of which has a Range Rover parked in it.
As she disappears off to another royal residence, waving and giving one fingered gestures through the rear window, all Charlie and his panting staff are left with is a vague hint of octogenarian laughter floating in the air, along with a whiff of terrified Corgi fart.
Anyway, back in Pimmsley, they’re planning to celebrate her many years on the run and, in a style befitting the rather fugitive undertones of the occasion, are apparently, planning on bringing out the big guns.
Let me run you through the programme of events.
Friday 1st June, 7.30pm: A Pimmsley Command Performance (A variety show celebrating Pimmsley talent)
1. “Hiding the Cabbages” – A talk by members of the Pimmsley Boy Scouts on pulling off the perfect allotment slash shed burglary.
2. “Aiming Whilst Moving” – An informative discussion on the ideal speed for executing a successful High-Street-drive-by-shooting.
3. “Car-Art Can be Fun” – Current trends in the lesser known genre of proper mashing up the paint-work on some poor sods car with the front door key your Mum gave you.
4. “Slow Response Times Are Our Friend” – A member of the Parish Council will randomly break the noses of several members of the audience whilst Brownies undertake a pick-pocketing experiment to demonstrate precisely how many successful crimes can cheerfully and successfully be undertaken in the time it takes the boys-in-blue to travel the ten miles from main Police Station to village.
Sunday 3rd June, 11.30am: Special Service of Thanksgiving.
Many of our young folk have been arrested this year (hence the need for the informative lectures already mentioned), thankfully they have all been returned to us.
Also, we are very thankful that our thriving woods-based network of drug dealers has yet to be infiltrated or compromised.
Monday 4th June, 2.00pm: Town Crier Leads procession of Floats Along High Street.
A merry procession of colourful floats celebrating ‘Village Villiany Through The Ages.’ Notorious black-market alcohol smugglers, record holding bar-brawl champions and members of the illustrious ‘Going-To-The-Nags-Head-In-The-Next-Village-Over-Getting-Totally-Buttered-And-Not-Once-Ending-Up-In-A-Ditch-On-The-Way-Home Club will be represented.
Monday 4th June, 4.00pm: Hunt The Snitch
Torch bearing locals and their slathering hounds will gather on the village green for this timeless old favourite which deals with any villager who has, throughout the preceding year, felt the need to visit the village Sub-Police Station.
Evidential CCTV footage is gathered from the cottage opposite on a daily basis to prevent a repeat of the 2004 hiccup where an innocent passer-by happened to dawdle suspiciously outside the building in a manner that suggested he was intending to attempt entry.
The truth of his activities did not come to light, sadly, until some hours after that years ‘Snitch-Hunt’ when his rather vexed wife pointed out that he’d merely been pinning a ‘Has Anyone Seen Tiddles’ leaflet to the village noticeboard.
In an effort to make amends, the Parish Council placed the parts of his corpse that the drunken locals were actually able to wrestle from their dogs mouths and kennels, into the revered village crypt which is usually reserved for the coffins of the Notorious Village Villains.
A plaque was also added to the Wall-Of-Fame in the village hall.
His widow and family were obviously suitably delighted since, in general, it is only plaques proudly bearing the names of inhabitants of Pimmsley that have actually made it on to BBC1’s Crimewatch that are displayed there.
Monday 4th June, 8pm: Hog Roast & Bar-B-Que
Tuesday 5th June: A fresh set of missing cat, dog and children posters appear on Village noticeboard.
Needless to say, the Teenager and his mates will be attending.