Tuesday 4th November – What I have learned

Back at work last night.

I’m still gainfully employed at the well-known country hotel & spa and, over the last year, I’ve had a good opportunity to get properly under the skin of the hospitality industry.

I have learned lots of very useful things.

I have learned that the best time to rummage through celebrities rooms is when they’re in the spa.tsdoasm2

I have learned to never (however much of a laugh it promises to be) give husband’s room numbers out to their wives during conference week.

I have learned never to make up directions to the manager’s office to guests that are threatening to make a complaint about having caught me rummaging through their rooms when they were supposed to be in the spa.

I have learned to check the Reservations Booking Computer before taking a nap in an empty room.

I have learned not to call room service for snacks to munch whilst watching Pay-Per-View movies in empty rooms during nap time.

I have learned not to attempt to re-direct my room service and Pay-Per-View charges to guests that interrupt me during my super-cheery ‘Pointing-At-The-Hotel-Map-With-My-Biro’ orientation speech.

I have learned that complaints about me forgetting to inform house-keeping that a guest is ‘Do Not Disturb’ should not be dealt with by my sneaking into their bathroom and using their toothbrush to clean the inside of the loo, shower-tray and bidet.

I have learned what a hooker looks like.

I have learned not to add the replacement tights and underwear for aforementioned hooker on to the guest’s bill (particularly when guest works for a global oil company and the bill is going directly to their HR department).

I have learned that night shift is not an excuse to slope off to the bar, get my cocktail on, then try and pick up men attending conferences or celebrities trying to quietly read through scripts.

Ditto poker games with housekeeping team.

I have learned not to doze off in guest’s beds whilst pretending to clean rooms when covering for housekeeping team tsdoasm2absences.

I have learned not to claim I know how to talk Mandarin to holiday-making guests, and then proceed to make words up in a Jackie Chan accent.

Oh, I also learned not to book Friend-Kate and Friend-Sophie in for mini-break spa weekends and then put their bill in the shredder whilst attempting to delete their account from the Reservation Booking Computer.

Most importantly; I have learned that, in the hospitality industry, what the eye doesn’t see; the guest doesn’t grieve over.

Hopefully we will soon welcome you as a guest to our luxury hotel & spa.

<insert snorting, gulping and choking noises here>

Good luck with that!

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